Well it is one hour away from being May 15th which is my 9th wedding anniversary, but there is nothing and no one to celebrate with. Jared and I remain separated by much more than just miles which makes me sad in a way that cannot be put into words. It seems so unfair that I am in this situation and so immature of me to have this attitude. It is what it is and I need to deal with it, but how do you deal with it is what I want to know. Some days I think I do pretty good at pretending to be dealing with it, but I just try not to think about it. The boys and I are still planning on heading to Utah once school finishes for Dallin at the end of June. How the boys and I and all our stuff will get there is still to be determined. I hope to get a job and start saving for a place the boys and I can call home rather than the free loading off my parents we have been and will continue to do for the next few months.
There are so many times I ask myself where it (my marriage) all went wrong. What if I had done this? Why couldn't I be more like that? My bishop has advised me that it is counter productive to think this way, I just wish I could tell my brain and heart to stop. Today I read "A Matter of a Few Degrees" by Elder Uchtdorf from the priesthood session of last conference and it was amazing. It seems to me that is what happened. Our relationship some how got a few degrees off course and when we returned to our starting point we were 500 miles apart. Yesterday I read "Daughters of God" by Elder Ballard. This made me laugh and gave me hope. I want to do the best for my kids and be a good example to them and raise them in the gospel to be righteous young men and fathers. I want their measure of success to be great husbands to their wives and be the best fathers and providers for their children that they can be. I hope I am doing that, I feel like I fall short of the mark most days. I am trying more and more to "treasure the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less" as Elder Ballard put it. That is hard for a person who treasures efficiency. Well I had better get to bed since a day full of treasures lies ahead for me.